Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What I Learned from Watching TROLL 2

Today I would like to put on my professor's cap and educate everyone into the wondrous world of TROLL 2.  TROLL 2 has many things to teach about the world around us, and it is fortunate that we have this unique opportunity to open our minds and expand our horizons.  So without furth...  Wait!  What is that you are saying?  You have never heard of TROLL 2?  Well, looks like we need to start from the beginning.  TROLL 2, released in 1990, has the reputation for being one of the worst films ever made.  It is PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE bad.  But, I must say, worst, like best, is often difficult to pin down.  There are just too many variables in play to find a way to cancel them out and arrive at a final verdict.  Does that mean TROLL 2 isn't bad?  Oh no, not at all, TROLL 2 is most definitely quite awful, but there are different kinds of bad.  Some films are bad-bad, like BATTLEFIELD EARTH.  There is nothing redeeming about this film, and it has no entertainment value.  In comparison, some films, like TROLL 2, PLAN 9, etc. are fun-bad.  Sure, they scrape the bottom barrel when comes to film making technique, but they have a strange, masochistic charm about them that provides them with entertainment value.  In fact, TROLL 2 is so fun bad that one of its stars has recently made a documentary about it that is actually well done and has been well received.  With a tomatometer of 94% BEST WORST MOVIE is listed as fresh from this very website.  So, with that in mind I would like to enlighten everyone with some of the intellectual stimulation that has enriched me since viewing TROLL 2.  I will warn you, that there may be spoilers ahead, but no need to worry.  I don't think that there is any way I can ruin your screening of TROLL 2.

Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards.  If you don't believe me print this blog and hold it up to the mirror, or I guess you could just write it down and hold it up to a mirror.  Either way, Nilbog really is goblin spelled backwards.  I wouldn't lie to you about that.  You see, the heroes of our tale, the Waits Family, have been invited to embark on the vacation of a lifetime.  They have decided to leave city life behind for an entire month and work on some family's farm in the quaint town of Nilbog, USA, population 25.  In return, the Nilbog family will live in their home.  Nothing could be better than spending a one-month vacation working someone else's farm while they do nothing.  AWESOME!  What the Waits do not know is that Nilbog is an evil place.  The residents of Nilbog look like humans on the surface, but underneath they are hideously evil goblins.  They survive by luring unsuspecting humans into their realm and turning them into plants, which they, in turn, consume as food.  In order to hide their true identity from the outside world they have inverted the name of their true nature.  No one would ever suspect the truth.  That is unless they had a mirror or happened to be dyslexic.  If that were the case then the jig would be up.  Fortunately for the Nilbogians young Joshua Waits does not appear to be dyslexic.  Unfortunately for them, he does have access to an automobile's routine safety device, the side view mirror.  It only takes the proper alignment of the family car and a street sign for him to uncover their dreaded secret.

When making any film, the title of said film is simply a suggestion.  It is just something to call the film for purposes of identification.  No need to worry yourself with petty details like coming up with a catchy symbolic name.  In fact it need not bear any resemblance to the actual subject matter of the film at all.  Just make up a title and move directly into production.  The title in question, of course is TROLL 2.  On the surface it seems harmless enough, five letters and one number.  Without having any prior knowledge of the film one might imply that at one point in time in the recent past there was a film called TROLL.  TROLL 2 is a sequel to TROLL.  Logic would dictate that it probably involves trolls and likely picks up the action somewhere in the future beyond the time where TROLL concluded.  Silly you, you are trying to think logically.  I didn't tell you to do that.  I said we are talking about one of the worst films ever made.  Not only is TROLL 2 not a sequel to TROLL it doesn't bear any remote similarities whatsoever to the timeline established by TROLL.  On top of that, there aren't even any trolls in the film.  In fact, I cannot recall the word "troll" even being said by any character at any time.  The antagonists in question are goblins and are always referred to as such.  Now one might attempt to deduce that the makers of TROLL 2 were trying to capitalize on the name recognition of TROLL in order to attract an audience for their film, but seeing that TROLL wasn't much of a film either that theory blows up with little effort.  Therefore, the mystery behind the title eludes me.  Maybe it was discussed in the documentary, but I have yet to see it so I really cannot comment further.

Deceased loved ones have incredible power, but even this has its limitations.  In the real world grandparents die and are buried.  We grieve the loss of the dearly departed and move on.  Little did we know that grandparents often return from the dead in order to read horrible, terrifying fairy tales to their grandchildren.  In addition, they can appear in mirrors, take solid form, stop time (but only for 30 seconds), make Molotov cocktails, present their grandchildren with lifesaving lunchmeat sandwiches, and summon lightning from above to set fire to evil goblin preachers.  However, they cannot speak to their own children, or any adult for that matter, and they disappear forever after 6 p.m.  This last one requires a little clarification.  The narrative of TROLL 2 was unclear as to how many days after first appearance that the 6 p.m. rule takes effect and whether or not this was Eastern, Central, Mountain, or Pacific Time, and/ or standard or daylight savings time.  What was clear is the 6 p.m. rule does take affect when the danger to the family is at its greatest.  It is the grandparent's responsibility to leave the final stages of the mess to the corporeal beings because incorporeal beings have better things to do than finish what they started, (like the seniors' dinner special at Denny's), especially if it extends beyond the 6 o'clock curfew.

From watching TROLL 2 I have also discovered that my doctor, board certified nutritionists, the U.S. Government, research scientists, county health department commissioners, and that guy who made SUPERSIZE ME, are all WRONG.  Eating meat is healthy and safe.  Eating vegetables is dangerous and may result in early death.  You see, our goblin friends are vegetarians, and are disgusted by the site of processed animal products.  Despite this characteristic their favorite food happens to be humans, but not just any humans mind you.  Like I said before, animal flesh makes them nauseous.  Therefore, they trick humans into eating gooey green organic products that transform them into plants.  Once the change is complete they are greedily consumed.  But keep in mind, the goblins have a weakness.  Not only do they not eat meat, they are repelled by it.  When our hero, young Joshua,  eats a double decker bologna sandwich he is able to keep the goblins at bay long enough to destroy the sacred stone that gives them their power.  I hear you, you are losing faith in me.  "Now Sparky, " you are saying, "these goblins are farmers in their human form and live in a rural community rich with vegetation.  Why don't they just grow their own food or eat the local plant life and leave the people alone?"  A good question for which I have no answer other than to say that we are still talking about TROLL 2, (remember, the film that doesn't even have any trolls in it.)  So, the take home message is that obesity, hypertension, heart disease, and high cholesterol are not as important as protecting yourself from evil imaginary creatures.  Therefore, throw that salad away and get yourself a 16 oz porterhouse steak, eat up, and live.

TROLL 2 has also taught me that corn on the cob is an aphrodisiac.  "Wait, Sparky," you are saying again, "you said eating vegetables was bad."  Yes, I did say that, but I guess that depends on what is more important to you, living or taking care of the little soldier.  Listen, we are always looking for that perfect food that makes that night with our special someone even better.  The problem is that we are often embarrassed by what people think of us when we purchase certain products.  You have never gotten used to that strange look the clerk at the supermarket gives you when you walk up to the checkout line with 5 dozen oysters and nothing else.  You live in constant fear that you will be at the special interest store on the corner purchasing your Spanish fly, and you will accidentally bump into the pastor of your church on the way out.  Well, thanks to TROLL 2 fear and embarrassment are things of the past.  Now you have the perfect item.  Corn on the cob is the ideal product for enhancing nocturnal activities.  It is cheap, readily available, and generates no preconceived notions from people on the street.  You can now get your freak on in the comfort of your own home with whomever you wish, and no one has to ever be the wiser.

Finally, TROLL 2 has taught me that Stonehenge is truly evil.  On the surface Stonehenge just appears to be a bunch of rocks, arranged in a circle, sitting out in the English countryside.  Well, that is exactly what the Druids want us to think.  The fact remains that Stonehenge has special mystical powers, and only the Druids know how to harness it.  They are being patient, calculating in private, waiting for that time when they can kill us all and take over the world.  They tried in HALLOWEEN III:  SEASON OF THE WITCH, and they tried again in TROLL 2.  In HALLOWEEN III they put pieces of a Stonehenge monolith into the backs of masks.  When coupled with a special commercial featuring flashing lights the wearer's head exploded into a ball of living snakes.  In TROLL 2 magical stones from Stonehenge were used to bring the goblins into our world in order to do the bidding of the evil Druid Queen.  Only through the quick thinking of a dead grandpa and a whiney kid, and the use of processed meat on a bun was disaster averted a second time.  This will no longer be tolerated.  I say that prevention is the best medicine.  Stonehenge must be dismantled and destroyed before it is too late.  Contact the government of the United Kingdom and express your concerns immediately.  We must act now or suffer the consequences of our indifference.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.