Helpful Hints for the Haunted

Congratulations!!  You have just been cast in the new Wes Craven film.  No, it is not MY SOUL TO TAKE.  Mr. Craven would like to wash the bile laden residue of that cineturd out of his system by jumping right back in the saddle with a new project.  The details are very hush, hush at the moment, but rumor has it that it involves some vengeful spirits and a spooky old house.  Since it is your primary objective to give the performance of your life and survive to the end of the film, (maybe even win that Oscar you so richly deserve,)  I would like to provide you with a few key pointers to help you complete this daunting task.  Truth be told, many people either die or suffer horrendous misfortune in horror films because they make the same mistakes over and over again.  Are they just frightened out of their minds or do they just lose all sense of reason in the heat of battle?  Who can say with absolute certainty?  What I can say is that if you follow my simple platform you will be greatly rewarded.  If you don't, well you can't say you weren't adequately warned.  So, without further adieu grab a pen and some note paper because here we go.

Very inviting.  I think I'll stay

As you embark on this endeavor the most important thing to remember is that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.  If you receive notice that an aunt, grandparent, or (insert random relative here) that you have not seen or heard from in quite some time has recently died and left you the ancestral home in her will, SELL IT!  Don't go for a visit.  Don't insist that you are going to honor this person that hasn't contacted you in just over a millennium by living in the home.  JUST SELL IT!  Contact a local realtor, and put that liability on the market as quickly as you possibly can.  Bank the proceeds and move on.  In so doing you have just saved yourself from months if not years of agonizing torture at the hands of the perceived dead and buried family secrets that are now preparing to haunt you from beyond the grave.  This is your first warning, but say you are curious and insist on a sentimental journey back to the homestead.  On your arrival the locals turn a cold shoulder to your family legacy and shun your very existence.  They go out of their way to make you feel unwelcome.  The adults accost you with cold stares from the porch of the dilapidated general store.  The children run from you, and their parents quickly lead them away from your presence.  When you attempt to question them they are overly evasive or flat out lie to you.  You continuously find spiteful, anonymous, handwritten letters in your mailbox.  Guess what, you have just reached warning number two.  Refer back to the beginning of this paragraph and look at those two words in all caps.  However, you are a stubborn soul.  No one is going to keep you from what is rightfully yours, especially a bunch of uneducated and uncultured country simpletons.  This second warning falls on deaf ears, and you proceed to your family home to commence with a little exploring.  You arrive at the home at dusk, and you are greeted by your relative's faithful housekeeper who nearly knocks you over on her way out of the door because, as she so eloquently states, "I don't like to be here after dark."  A strange breeze gives you a chill as you enter, but nothing seems out of place or unusual on the surface.  The locals have gotten you unnerved you say.  You begin looking around, and in the attic you find an old trunk with a collection of newspaper articles dating back over a hundred years.  Some of them are worn and hard to read, but you are able to decipher a story about an accident at the mill that you remember your mother saying was owned by your great, great grandfather.  Many perished in the accident which was believed caused by the unsafe working conditions at the mill.  Congratulations, this is your third and final warning.  Proceed with the two words in capital letters at the beginning of this paragraph or suffer the consequences.  This may not be baseball, but after three strikes you are still out.

You really don't want to know the answer to that.  Try again.

O.K. maybe this has nothing to do with your family.  Maybe it is all about you.  You just got divorced, were diagnosed with a terminal illness, or (insert life changing stressor here,) and you are not feeling emotionally stable at the moment.  The heavy anvil of depression is weighing down on you, and you need some relief.  You want to leave the hustle and bustle of city life for some much needed quiet and peaceful reflection in the countryside.  Before packing up your things and telling your boss you are going take an indeterminate leave of absence consider this simple advice, STAY HOME!  Listen, I know you feel bad, and everything around you reminds you of your current problems, but this is where your friends and support systems are located, and this is when you need them most of all.  Your friends are here to help you.  They will come to your home or apartment.  They will stay with you if needed.  They will provide you with the companionship required to get you on your feet again.  That is why they are your friends.  You do not have any friends in (insert name of small town 200 miles away.)  In fact most of the people in said town are probably suspicious of out of towners.  They have deep dark secrets of their own that they have kept hidden from the outside world for hundreds of years, and they don't want any city folk snooping around in their business.  I realize that you are just trying to help the restless spirit that is haunting the small home you have rented, but you didn't know this person in life so why bother with them in death.  Besides, the locals will go the extra mile to protect their traditions, and if you get too close to the truth you will become expendable.  Believe me, if you just stay home and tough it out with your friends you will be much happier in the end.

Can't you see I'm busy.   Get Out!

O.K. you just got a new job working for (insert name of successful development company here.)  You have a chance to make millions of dollars by spearheading the company's plans to build a huge new housing project in the suburbs.  Before you begin remember this simple mantra, SACRED LAND IS SACRED.  Whatever your boss demands of you,  no matter how much money you may lose,  regardless of whether or not this may even cost you your much coveted job, do not build your development over an existing cemetery, and most certainly do not desecrate the holy lands of an ancient but extinct Native American tribe.  Only trouble can come from this, and believe me, it isn't worth it.  Listen, death is the great equalizer.  No matter what our station is in life, we will all be dust in the end.  For many life is hard, and when they die they deserve to rest in peace.  They don't need some money hungry upstart raining on their parade by digging up their remains and dumping them elsewhere, or worse, removing the headstones, not digging up their remains, and planting a concrete foundation right on top of their heads.  I don't know about you, but I get pretty cranky when my earthly sleep is disturbed.  I can't imagine how I might feel if my eternal sleep was disturbed.  If that were to happen I would be coming after you, and the end result would not be pleasant.  O.K. maybe you aren't an upstart businessperson looking to make a quick buck.  Maybe, you are just a stupid college drunk.  Well, I am not going to tell you not to drink and party.  That is your business, not mine.  What I am going to tell you is, "Don't get drunk and party in a cemetery."  Look back to those capitalized words at the beginning of this paragraph. (I hope you can read.)  Yeah, I understand that you are not digging me up to build a home, but I don't want you dancing, peeing, and/or screwing on top of my head either.  This is my final resting place.  It is not a frat house.  Leave me in peace or suffer the consequences.  You have been warned.

Don't worry.  Nothing to see here.

O.K. let's say you are on vacation with some friends, and the group of you is staying at a quaint cabin, (insert preferred location here.)  While exploring the cabin you find some interesting handwritten notes in a language you don't understand.  DON'T READ THEM, especially not out loud.  In fact, it is best just to stick them right back where you found them and forget they are even there.  Well, maybe it wasn't a collection of notes.  Maybe one of your stoner buddies found an unlabeled videotape instead.  The answer is still the same.  DON'T WATCH IT.  Maybe it wasn't that either.  Maybe one of your friends brought an Ouija Board because he played with it once at his cousin's house while they were drinking, and it was a blast.  DON'T PLAY WITH IT.  Put that Ouija Board right back in the suitcase and leave it there.  Can you see the trend here?  Don't mess with anything that may result in unknown or unwanted events.  There is a reason why we fear the unknown.  It is because it is unknown.  Why would anyone want to put themselves in a position where they are forced to deal with beings whose behaviors are not understood and whose intentions are unknown?  It is best to just let sleeping dogs lie.  After all, curiosity killed the cat, because the cat got inebriated and thought it would be fun to, "see what happens when it does this."

There you have it budding young A-lister.  Heed my words, and you will quickly become a ghostbuster extraordinaire.  Ignore them, and you will be cursed until a most horrendous and unnatural death claims your immortal soul.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE

THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE is a British film based on the Richard Matheson novel, HELL HOUSE. Richard Matheson is one of the better horror writers of the 20th Century, and his work can be found scattered across both big and small screens. Some of his most notable adaptations include three versions of the vampire story I AM LEGEND, WHAT DREAMS MAY COME with Robin Williams, and STIR OF ECHOES with Kevin Bacon; on TV, multiple episodes of THE TWILIGHT ZONE, and DUEL, the made for TV movie that launched another legend, Steven Spielberg. Matheson's stories dealt with many themes, from simple twist endings to satirical humor to paranoia. Sometimes he tried to create a horrific tale that attempted to find balance between the supernatural and the natural. With added inspiration from my favorite ghost story, THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE by Shirley Jackson, HELL HOUSE is one of these tales.

THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE opens with a meeting between physicist and paranormal researcher Lionel Barrett and aging millionaire Rudolph Deutsch. For reasons unclear in the film, but more developed in the book, Mr. Deutsch is interested in scientific evidence supporting life after death and has asked Barrett to find it. For Dr. Barrett the temptation, possible academic notoriety, and money are too good to overlook, but the feat will be no small one. In order to find the answers he seeks he must journey to Belasco House, the only known location where paranormal activity remains unexplained, and Belasco House will not give up its secrets easily. In the paranormal circles it is known as Hell House, the "Mt. Everest" of all haunted houses. No one has even set foot within its evil walls in 20 years, and the last research group to investigate it did not fare very well. Of the eight member team, most died or were driven permanently insane. Only one, Ben Fischer, crawled away with both mind and body intact. Now it is Barrett's turn to solve the riddle. Together with his wife, Ann, mental medium, Florence Tanner, and physical medium, Ben Fischer, (the very Ben Fischer, who nearly died the last time,) he travels to Belasco House to encounter the waiting demons within.

THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE is a British production and has the look and feel of a Hammer Studios film. For this reason some may feel it looks dated, but I disagree. Seeing that I still really enjoy Hammer Studios productions, as a mimicker it was an added bonus. All in all the film creates a wonderful atmosphere for malevolent specters. The sets are stylish and elegantly dressed. The surroundings are horrifically ominous, and the soundtrack creates an eerie sense of foreboding. The film remains effective at generating some legitimate scares, and I found myself feeling hairs stand on end like it was my first viewing all over again. For this, it was enough for me to give the film a positive review, but Matheson's screenplay has some discernible weaknesses, namely in characterization. I have often discovered this problem when watching film adaptations in which novelist and screenwriter are one in the same. It almost seems as if the novelist is already very close to the characters and understands them, creating assumptions that we do as well, though we have never met them before now. With the exception of Ben Fischer all other players in the film seem one dimensional. We know Barrett is a determined researcher who wants to prove that paranormal activity has a natural basis, but his motivations are never explored beyond that. His wife is mere window dressing. Many of the more sexually explicit aspects of the novel center around her, and with the sexuality toned down for a PG rating it leaves her little to do. Florence Tanner represents the yang to Barrett's yin, but beyond that we really don't know much about her past experiences or motivation. It is not even fully explained why Deutsch sanctioned this project in the first place. When added together, this proved to be somewhat dissatisfying. The house and its history seem to dominate most of the group's attention, leaving us little time to get to know them as more than just pawns in an evil game of ghostly cat and mouse.

Besides its drawbacks THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE does offer some appeal for the lover of horror. As I previously stated, some effective scares and creepy crawly tension remain as integral components to the film. In addition, Matheson filled his story with scientific explanations for the paranormal, some of which are still relevant today. The ideas of ghosts generating electromagnetic fields and draining environmental energy in order to create physical manifestations are widely accepted by today's parapsychologists. For believers, like me, it adds an element of realism to the story. Beyond that, the film has proved to be a model for more recent haunted house stories like POLTERGEIST and ROSE RED.

In conclusion, has THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE worn a little with time? Perhaps, but despite its shortcomings, I still find it to be a worthwhile experience especially if you enjoy haunted houses and incorporeal harbingers of doom.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

What I Learned from Watching TROLL 2

Today I would like to put on my professor's cap and educate everyone into the wondrous world of TROLL 2.  TROLL 2 has many things to teach about the world around us, and it is fortunate that we have this unique opportunity to open our minds and expand our horizons.  So without furth...  Wait!  What is that you are saying?  You have never heard of TROLL 2?  Well, looks like we need to start from the beginning.  TROLL 2, released in 1990, has the reputation for being one of the worst films ever made.  It is PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE bad.  But, I must say, worst, like best, is often difficult to pin down.  There are just too many variables in play to find a way to cancel them out and arrive at a final verdict.  Does that mean TROLL 2 isn't bad?  Oh no, not at all, TROLL 2 is most definitely quite awful, but there are different kinds of bad.  Some films are bad-bad, like BATTLEFIELD EARTH.  There is nothing redeeming about this film, and it has no entertainment value.  In comparison, some films, like TROLL 2, PLAN 9, etc. are fun-bad.  Sure, they scrape the bottom barrel when comes to film making technique, but they have a strange, masochistic charm about them that provides them with entertainment value.  In fact, TROLL 2 is so fun bad that one of its stars has recently made a documentary about it that is actually well done and has been well received.  With a tomatometer of 94% BEST WORST MOVIE is listed as fresh from this very website.  So, with that in mind I would like to enlighten everyone with some of the intellectual stimulation that has enriched me since viewing TROLL 2.  I will warn you, that there may be spoilers ahead, but no need to worry.  I don't think that there is any way I can ruin your screening of TROLL 2.

Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards.  If you don't believe me print this blog and hold it up to the mirror, or I guess you could just write it down and hold it up to a mirror.  Either way, Nilbog really is goblin spelled backwards.  I wouldn't lie to you about that.  You see, the heroes of our tale, the Waits Family, have been invited to embark on the vacation of a lifetime.  They have decided to leave city life behind for an entire month and work on some family's farm in the quaint town of Nilbog, USA, population 25.  In return, the Nilbog family will live in their home.  Nothing could be better than spending a one-month vacation working someone else's farm while they do nothing.  AWESOME!  What the Waits do not know is that Nilbog is an evil place.  The residents of Nilbog look like humans on the surface, but underneath they are hideously evil goblins.  They survive by luring unsuspecting humans into their realm and turning them into plants, which they, in turn, consume as food.  In order to hide their true identity from the outside world they have inverted the name of their true nature.  No one would ever suspect the truth.  That is unless they had a mirror or happened to be dyslexic.  If that were the case then the jig would be up.  Fortunately for the Nilbogians young Joshua Waits does not appear to be dyslexic.  Unfortunately for them, he does have access to an automobile's routine safety device, the side view mirror.  It only takes the proper alignment of the family car and a street sign for him to uncover their dreaded secret.

When making any film, the title of said film is simply a suggestion.  It is just something to call the film for purposes of identification.  No need to worry yourself with petty details like coming up with a catchy symbolic name.  In fact it need not bear any resemblance to the actual subject matter of the film at all.  Just make up a title and move directly into production.  The title in question, of course is TROLL 2.  On the surface it seems harmless enough, five letters and one number.  Without having any prior knowledge of the film one might imply that at one point in time in the recent past there was a film called TROLL.  TROLL 2 is a sequel to TROLL.  Logic would dictate that it probably involves trolls and likely picks up the action somewhere in the future beyond the time where TROLL concluded.  Silly you, you are trying to think logically.  I didn't tell you to do that.  I said we are talking about one of the worst films ever made.  Not only is TROLL 2 not a sequel to TROLL it doesn't bear any remote similarities whatsoever to the timeline established by TROLL.  On top of that, there aren't even any trolls in the film.  In fact, I cannot recall the word "troll" even being said by any character at any time.  The antagonists in question are goblins and are always referred to as such.  Now one might attempt to deduce that the makers of TROLL 2 were trying to capitalize on the name recognition of TROLL in order to attract an audience for their film, but seeing that TROLL wasn't much of a film either that theory blows up with little effort.  Therefore, the mystery behind the title eludes me.  Maybe it was discussed in the documentary, but I have yet to see it so I really cannot comment further.

Deceased loved ones have incredible power, but even this has its limitations.  In the real world grandparents die and are buried.  We grieve the loss of the dearly departed and move on.  Little did we know that grandparents often return from the dead in order to read horrible, terrifying fairy tales to their grandchildren.  In addition, they can appear in mirrors, take solid form, stop time (but only for 30 seconds), make Molotov cocktails, present their grandchildren with lifesaving lunchmeat sandwiches, and summon lightning from above to set fire to evil goblin preachers.  However, they cannot speak to their own children, or any adult for that matter, and they disappear forever after 6 p.m.  This last one requires a little clarification.  The narrative of TROLL 2 was unclear as to how many days after first appearance that the 6 p.m. rule takes effect and whether or not this was Eastern, Central, Mountain, or Pacific Time, and/ or standard or daylight savings time.  What was clear is the 6 p.m. rule does take affect when the danger to the family is at its greatest.  It is the grandparent's responsibility to leave the final stages of the mess to the corporeal beings because incorporeal beings have better things to do than finish what they started, (like the seniors' dinner special at Denny's), especially if it extends beyond the 6 o'clock curfew.

From watching TROLL 2 I have also discovered that my doctor, board certified nutritionists, the U.S. Government, research scientists, county health department commissioners, and that guy who made SUPERSIZE ME, are all WRONG.  Eating meat is healthy and safe.  Eating vegetables is dangerous and may result in early death.  You see, our goblin friends are vegetarians, and are disgusted by the site of processed animal products.  Despite this characteristic their favorite food happens to be humans, but not just any humans mind you.  Like I said before, animal flesh makes them nauseous.  Therefore, they trick humans into eating gooey green organic products that transform them into plants.  Once the change is complete they are greedily consumed.  But keep in mind, the goblins have a weakness.  Not only do they not eat meat, they are repelled by it.  When our hero, young Joshua,  eats a double decker bologna sandwich he is able to keep the goblins at bay long enough to destroy the sacred stone that gives them their power.  I hear you, you are losing faith in me.  "Now Sparky, " you are saying, "these goblins are farmers in their human form and live in a rural community rich with vegetation.  Why don't they just grow their own food or eat the local plant life and leave the people alone?"  A good question for which I have no answer other than to say that we are still talking about TROLL 2, (remember, the film that doesn't even have any trolls in it.)  So, the take home message is that obesity, hypertension, heart disease, and high cholesterol are not as important as protecting yourself from evil imaginary creatures.  Therefore, throw that salad away and get yourself a 16 oz porterhouse steak, eat up, and live.

TROLL 2 has also taught me that corn on the cob is an aphrodisiac.  "Wait, Sparky," you are saying again, "you said eating vegetables was bad."  Yes, I did say that, but I guess that depends on what is more important to you, living or taking care of the little soldier.  Listen, we are always looking for that perfect food that makes that night with our special someone even better.  The problem is that we are often embarrassed by what people think of us when we purchase certain products.  You have never gotten used to that strange look the clerk at the supermarket gives you when you walk up to the checkout line with 5 dozen oysters and nothing else.  You live in constant fear that you will be at the special interest store on the corner purchasing your Spanish fly, and you will accidentally bump into the pastor of your church on the way out.  Well, thanks to TROLL 2 fear and embarrassment are things of the past.  Now you have the perfect item.  Corn on the cob is the ideal product for enhancing nocturnal activities.  It is cheap, readily available, and generates no preconceived notions from people on the street.  You can now get your freak on in the comfort of your own home with whomever you wish, and no one has to ever be the wiser.

Finally, TROLL 2 has taught me that Stonehenge is truly evil.  On the surface Stonehenge just appears to be a bunch of rocks, arranged in a circle, sitting out in the English countryside.  Well, that is exactly what the Druids want us to think.  The fact remains that Stonehenge has special mystical powers, and only the Druids know how to harness it.  They are being patient, calculating in private, waiting for that time when they can kill us all and take over the world.  They tried in HALLOWEEN III:  SEASON OF THE WITCH, and they tried again in TROLL 2.  In HALLOWEEN III they put pieces of a Stonehenge monolith into the backs of masks.  When coupled with a special commercial featuring flashing lights the wearer's head exploded into a ball of living snakes.  In TROLL 2 magical stones from Stonehenge were used to bring the goblins into our world in order to do the bidding of the evil Druid Queen.  Only through the quick thinking of a dead grandpa and a whiney kid, and the use of processed meat on a bun was disaster averted a second time.  This will no longer be tolerated.  I say that prevention is the best medicine.  Stonehenge must be dismantled and destroyed before it is too late.  Contact the government of the United Kingdom and express your concerns immediately.  We must act now or suffer the consequences of our indifference.


That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.